darion: well, we're going to have to get another job. thorgrim: i don't see why we can’t just live off our savings for a little while. we don't have any bloody savings! you lot have blown through the money from the last mission on booze, pornography, and amateur dramatics! the penny road players are not amateurs! jerran: frank, we need to talk about what happened last night. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! what exactly do you mean?! last night's meal cost us the last of our gold.
oh, i thought you were talking about me dressing up as a- so, we're out of gold? yes... well, we're out of gold, so if you want to eat again, or... (clears throat) buy yourself- frilly underpants! i mean, have you seen the laundry bills for those?! well, the board’s here; we might as well check it. you never know we might get lucky; there may be- night elf honker’s monthly! jerran! jerran! i wanna get this. with what gold? well, we can check the board over there. there's bound to be work for us. it's winter's veil, there's always temp jobs!
you know, frank? that's probably the smartest decision you've made this month. hmm... wanted: girlfriend! nice try, frank. wanted: saucy french maid! you are not doing that again! wanted: adventurers for an extremely dangerous mission. you might lose a limb or three. pass... cruel bastards. (cries) thorgrim: ooh look! a chance to take advantage of someone’s misery!
darion: careful, muscles! unless you’re gonna make this worth my while, there'll be trouble here! watch your tone with me, or else you'll have your head on a spear! well, wouldn’t be the first time i had 12 inches of wood in my face. frank: (aside) heyo! hey, back off clothie, this is our gig! listen, dwarf! i don't want any trouble here! trouble?! if you want trouble, try being a dwarf this time of year! do you know how hard it is to get a job that doesn't involve wearing pointed ears and going "twinkle"!? well i think if it's anyone that went "twinkle", it would be hot lips over here!
oh, you bitch! (woman screams) (stuttering) no, no... get down, get down, come on, no... bad dwarf! bad dwarf! get down here and fight like a dwarf: all sweaty and rolling around on the ground! i sense a disturbance in the force! oh, look! a fight! wait a minute... i know those guys! i must help them! julian: whoa! for narnia! for pony!
for copyright infringement! darion: oh not the hair not the hair not the hair...frank: ah-ha! (bonk) d'oh! a goose! a goose for every- (wilhelm scream) there's only one person who's gonna be kicking your ass... and his name is myliad!!! darion, we're outnumbered! use... the ludo signal! hi, sweetie! mind reading this for me? "help, i'm naked and have pizza"? thaaaank you!
(distant screaming) (cheers) weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee- oof! ugh... (incoherent) cower, evil doers! ...twang! i don't know what i was expecting, but that wasn't it. who are you people?! i'll trade you thorgrim for the stupid looking one... and i'll throw in the gnome for free!
well, you’ll have to be a bit more specific; they’re both stupid looking. jerran, get me out of here! oh, to hell with it. nikolai, let them up. julian, let them go. now, about this job. it would appear we are at what my gnomish friend insists on calling an imp arse. well, it’s technically correct. i mean, have you seen an imps arse? i couldn’t get past it! uh-huh... are you sure you don’t want to keep him? no. we already have one. what is this job, anyways?
(heroic music) hmm... it looks like somebody’s kidnapped great father winter! (dramatic stinger) julian: uh, are we gonna pay attention to that?darion: nope. not great father winter! but he brings toys to boys and girls, and people who can pass for children in department stores. whose lap am i gonna sit on now? well, i don't know, but maybe darion- oh, god no! i have some standards.
(scoffs) no you don't! okay, admittedly, i haven’t seen them in a while, but i can assure you they’re there! alright, well, just an idea here; maybe with our group, and your group, we can find greatfather winter together! wait! like you mean... a team-up? a sort of... crossover, if you will. to celebrate this special occasion? well... yeah! what a stupid idea! who on earth would want to see that?! well, do you have a better idea?
well, just because i don’t have a better idea, doesn’t mean this is a good one. but, i mean, if it’s going to happen, then at least under my leadership, it shall be fabulous! who said that you're leading?! well, i think that would be obvious! well i say we take a vote. i agree, other ethnically diverse member of party! see?! this guy gets it! mis: alright. one vote for darion.
one vote for jerran. one for nikolai. one for julian. one for myliad. one for thorgrim. and... two votes for... boobs. yay!
mis, aren't you going to vote so we can escape the tyranny of boobs? i'm staying out of this. and the boobs have it! well, the boobs say we go that way! wait, boobs can talk? they can't talk, but they're pointing that way. (ludo gets beat up) y'know i'm glad he said that first. alright, chaps and chapettes. according to this poster, greatfather winter was last seen being carted off into the wilderness near winterspring.
oh, that’s gonna take us months to get us there, unless we have some sort of deus ex machina just lying around. did somebody say (mispronounced) “deus ex machina�! no. no we did not! however it’s pronounced! look what i just finished building! ta-da! i’m not going to even think where you were keeping that. what is that? it’s my dimensional ripper! conveniently set to everlook! why do you even have that?!
the same reason i have this loot-a-rang! ludo? i hate you. well, how does it work? i throw it and it brings loot back to me- no, not the loot-a-rang! oh. well, it’s relatively simple. let me just give you a brief overview of arcane power and its uses in the field of extradimensional travel. (frank snoring) ugh... frank the tank... …and then you appear in everlook with all of your limbs intact!
wow, you must be really smart! actually, we think it's a kind of autism. any side effects to this dimensional ripper? any side effects, while hilarious, would be entirely trivial. let’s throw caution to the wind then. ludo, how do you power this thing up? well, i will need some of thorgrim’s volatile rum. well, alright, but this better not become some sort of running gag! alright everyone! once this thing hits 1.21 (burps) awatts, you’re going to- see some serious shit?
possibly, if you void your bowels during transit. void my what?! too late!! wha- ughh... for some reason, i feel a bit... outdated. (muffled) give it a second! how does my hair look? beware! horde spies! what? no! they're friends of ours!
you're friends with a turncoat and a rotter?! look who’s talking, snow gnome! hey! it’s stormwind gnome! wait... i think i may have just insulted myself. oh well. kill the brain cells! (drinks) alright, well, we made it without losing any limbs, so that’s a start. now, we need to start looking for clues to where greatfather winter could be.
what? like that? frank: this is the most convenient quest i’ve ever been on! darion: yes… it’s almost as though someone’s trying to get this wrapped up in one neat, tiny package. (roar) hey, darion. why don't you go check that out? why do i have to go and check it out? well... because... you're.... uhhhh... y'know! oh- oh! oh, i see what we're doing. we're going that we, are we? well how very festive...
fine. i’ll go and check it out. but there better not be any velociraptors in there! alright. julian, myliad, nikolai. come with me. we’re going to follow darion into that cave. frank, mis, thorgrim, ludo, you guys go that way. (sarcastically) great, i’m with the gnome. oh, you're in for a treat, love! i’ll have you know i have a... variety of different applications. it’s true! if we run into trouble, we can escape while it’s eating him. ludo: well, just as long as there’s swallowing involved. (punch) ow! god, it’s a dark in here.
julian, just so you know, if you make a joke about not seeing me in the dark, i will stab you in the foot. nikolai? spread a little light on this situation, would you? (whispering) spirits of flame, guide our path! myliad: it’s still so dark; i can’t see anything. darion, could i hold your arm?! (sighs) sure, fine. that's not my arm. well, you could’ve fooled me! oh, well flattery will get you everywhere! mis, can you light up this cave?
gotcha, frank! by the light! you see that, thorgrim? this is why you need to spec into holy! (gasp!) wha- what's wrong? you guys are allowed to make fourth wall jokes? well, what's stopping you? (darion grunts, punches wall) i don't know why, but i just became incredibly angry! well, anyways. let’s just keep going. there’s bound to be something around here- whoa!
please... help... me! god, this is dark! i thought this was a kid's show! (darion punches wall) ow! that poor thing! hang on, i’ll heal him back up. no, no, no, no... metzen has made us dig through shit the last five expansions! (darion repeatedly punching wall) why am i so angry?! let him suffer... hey! f**k you! i'm metzen the f***in' reindeer! moo! or, whatever it is reindeer say, i don't know.
just get off your a** and help me you wee, green prick! darion, calm down! there's only one thing that makes me this angry... somehow, i know ludo's behind it. guys! look! nikolai: hah! oh, that's not a trap at all- greench: (laughs) you have ventured into my cavern deep! did you think you'd catch me fast asleep?! oh, dammit ludo.
but he's not here. doesn’t matter if he’s not here. he's ludo, it's his fault. it's always his fault! yes! now my fiendishly undetectable trap is sprung! all of you will be undone. oh come on! that didn't even rhyme! (darion punches wall) why are you punching the wall now? i just hate poor literacy! guys, look! the jolly happy super fun time corporation! mis: well, that doesn't sound so bad...
(door opens) faster! bat the stack off her! mis: i stand corrected, this place is hell. that name is entirely misleading! this is horrible. it’s like disney! well, this jolly happy super fun time corporation must have a brilliant hr department! and who has a sweatshop in the middle of a dark cave?! never ride space mountain. quick! hide! jerran: darion? how come i feel something... phallic in my hand?
darion: it's nikolai's tailnikolai: no it's not-darion: shut up! frank: ugh, it's so tight in here. ludo: heh, that's what she said. (slap) ow!mis: i swear if you don’t keep your hands to yourself- thorgrim: hold on! i think i found something. it feels like a... massage wand! (click, vibration) frank: that better not be what i think it is...mis: with the way this adventure is going, what do you think the chances are?! (screams) thorgrim: thank god.
y'know, that could’ve been a lot less family friendly. i think i hear jerran and the others! twinkle. twinkle. twinkle. guys! we gotta get going! mis! can you mind control them? nothing... i'm afraid they've been mind controlled... by holiday specials! (dramatic sting) (groans) wait a minute, he's fighting it!
we need to make him angrier! make darion angry, eh? i can handle that! hey darion? how did it feel being in your old character model? (darion groans) why is it when you’re in holy spec, you use a two handed weapon? (darion groans, but is stronger) do you think people will realize we made this a prequel because your series hadn’t been finished when this was written? (glass breaks, darion screams)
(while punching) damn you! damn you! you don't! break! the! fourth! wall! frank: jesus!darion: who's jesus?! yep, that's what breaking the fourth wall will get ya. oh, by the light. i thought i was trapped in some sort of horrible nightm- no, i was right. maybe we need to wake the others up by making them angry! then i can go tank this boss! you're not a tank you dimwit! frank the tank! why are you called frank the tank?
it's what the ladies call me. ahh... the ladies usually just call me "what the hell is that gnome doing in the bushes?!" hey, myliad! that outfit makes you look fat! how dare you?! yes, that's crossing a line. frank: hey, julian, i think stabbyclaus killed igor! oh what the fu- (hammer hits anvil) hey nikolai! your dad's here! father?! noooooooooooo!
(alarms going off) the production line for making toys! what's the cause of all this noise?! that rhyming is getting on my nerves... i'm just looking at mis' curves! (ludo gets punched)alright, yeti. you better tell us where greatfather winter is, or else. yeti?! just for that, your neck i'll lynch! i am no yeti... i... am... the greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... (prolonged) frank: is he okay?i think he's having some sort of seizure.
(uncontrollable spasms) greench... i have something that will make you cry. it's something round and white, straight in your... myliad: oh my!mis: ugh, this is getting ridiculous! we are legion... we are snowmen! mimiron's shiny nuts! how many are there?! (laughs) shiny. (alarms blare. raptors screech) i knew it! i bloody knew it!
snowman: oh, would you look at that? i've been impaled. spirits of the flame! come to my aid! melt away the white terror! yeah! toast that honky sumbitch! thorgrim: what?!darion: i'm ghetto. jerran: you're cornered, now.frank: nowhere to run. the jig is up! you've had your fun. tell us! quickly! where is our prize?!
spill the beans! and leave alive! oh, god is that what i sound like? ugh, he's in there! thank you! fonald drump: eh! at last you have breached my sanctum sanctorum! but now, you will face your toughest challenge! thanks to greatfather winter's powers, i now control the strength of winter veil itself! i will freeze the marrow in your bones with nary a thought! i shall have my goblin shredders destroy every winter veil tree in azeroth.
then no one can celebrate this politically correct version of a seasonal holiday without my permission! fonald drump: none may stand before the ultimate power of winter's- bah, humbug! oh, ho ho! thank the light! i thought i would be trapped in here forever! how can i ever repay you? well… tradition has it that you should start coughing up rewards! but isn't goodness its own reward? darion: listen, old man! we gots rents to pay! ... still ghetto! very well! lower the cage!
lowering the cage! (screaming) i fell on my snowballs! myliad: oh... my?darion: that one wasn't worth it. well, let's see what's in my sack! myliad: (aside) oh my!darion: (aside) okay now that one was worth it. i'll give you a once in a lifetime offer. anything you want... no restrictions! a lifetime subscription to night elf honkers monthly! a swift zulian tiger mount!
you can pay our rent for the next seventeen years. greatfather winter: that's not very festive.darion: neither is homelessness. beer!!! a red rider bb gun! eh, i just wanted to sit here for a while. you're making me very uncomfortable! i just wanna get away from ludo. and what would you like, my young draenei? well, we do not celebrate winter’s veil, but we do spend a month fasting and competing to do good deeds.
it’s a time for spiritual growth and unity. what's it called? there’s no word for it in the common tongue, but the closest translation would be "the hunger games". and what about you, gnome? ohhhh, can we really have anything we want? (mis shudders) anything you want. well in that case, i know exactly what i want... the new ace of spades novel: "ace of spades and the chamber of the mogu king!"
oh. very well, then. that was a lot tamer than i expected. (cheers, which then turn to yelps of horror) nooooooo! sorry! no do-overs! (crying) well, now that's over with. if you'll excuse me, i have to go sit outside the ironforge bank for the next two weeks! alright, let's get out of here! i'm getting tired of the smell of burnt tinsel. well, i think that turned out rather well. we got through without anyone dying,
and we all ended up with a lovely present! and it was all thanks to the leadership of boobs! (ludo gets punched, starts crying) sorry! force of habit. (sniffles) we didn't all get a present... aw... don't fall for it, mis. i know exactly what he's doing. darion, you got an awful lot of money from greatfather winter, didn’t you? yes! yes i did!
do you think some of it could go towards getting me another copy of that book? (a chorus of children sing, along with bells, la-las) nope! (everyone but ludo laughs. jingle bell rock by bobby helms plays) metzen: oh, i see... everybody's gone! and they left me, metzen the reindeer, to wander around in the f***in' snow! no, don't nobody help me get home! the fat prick's just buggered off and left me! i'm surrounded by f***in' yetis and velociraptors an'... goblins, an' f***in'... leopards, probably. i don't know. f***in' snow everywhere. it's hard being me! i'm the only f***in' reindeer in the world of warcraft!
oi! i've walked into it. and before you say "oh hang on! there's reindeer in the f***in' grizzly hills an' howling fjord!" f***in' bulls**t! those are elk. ya racist f***in' b***ards! a'ight. i guess i'll go home... on me own. i tell you what, when i get home, i'm gonna find that fat prick's favorite slippers... and i'm gonna s**t in them! i'm gonna s**t in his f**in' bed, too! f**k you all! metzen, out!
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